WHERE DO PETS COME FROM?
is reported that the following edition of the Book of Genesis
Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked
God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you
God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam.
the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged
God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new
Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved
a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to
the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion
God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat
God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved.
OF A LADY WHO'S GONE
There was a time,
there really was,
went to bed at
half past ten;
But then I got a
used to dress
with flair and style,
used to have a
Once I spoke in
was taught to be
used to long for
furs and jewels
adored a man who
rise at dawn and
pack the car
really love this
When my time on
earth is done
Flying here and
I'll make new
May I get you a
The plane has a
Thank goodness we
I'm very hungry.
We're at the show.
Get your own pop.
There's more to
being a judge
don't know how
you do it.
I'm a German
The rings are just
must be hard
The judge has now
no, here comes
the awful part
look, I see my
Now we're running
run my little
The judge has made
The show is now
The rosette is on
New Product for all our furred friends!
Are you tired
of using the 'backspace' key all the time
what? Heidi and I have just received our first
1. Each key
is a full two inches wide with 1 inch space between letters.
equipped with the Heidi & Max's exclusive 'drool tray'
3. Uses our
'live mouse'. Long tail version 3.6. And the great feature
4. All cables
and plugs are included! This bone colored beauty
OK... now stop panting... here's how to order!
Go fetch your
master's wallet or pocket book. Look for any
Heidi & Max's
Laboratory for Advanced Stick Studies
In the US send to-
Heidi & Max's
Remember... these won't last... so order NOW.... yes... GO FETCH!
Dec 31, 1997. Puppies under 8 months old must have a
Your cyberpup friends,
Heidi and Max
The Top 20 Reasons Dogs Don't Use Computers
20. Can't stick their heads out of Windows '95.
19. Fetch command not available on all platforms.
18. Hard to
read the monitor with your head
17. Too difficult to "mark" every website they visit.
help attacking the screen when they hear
15. Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.
Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're
13. Keep bruising noses trying to catch that JPEG frisbee.
12. Not at all fooled by Dogmore Screen Saver.
trying to come up with an "emoticon" that
10. Oh, but
they WILL... with the introduction of the
9. Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome
8. 'Cause dogs ain't GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand...
7. Barking in
next cube keeps activating YOUR voice
6. SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.
5 SIT and
STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK
4. Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to manuever.
3. Annoyed by lack of newsgroup, alt.pictures.master's.leg.
Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than
and the Number 1 Reason Dogs Don't Use Computers...
DsA[M,bN HyAqR4tDc TgrOo TgYPmE
(source: David Letterman Show)
The Creation story as told by Snoopy
On the first day, God created the dog.
On the second day, God created man to serve the dog.
the third day,
God created all the animals of the
the fourth day,
God created honest toil so that man
the fifth day,
God created the tennis ball so that the
the sixth day,
God created veterinary science to
day, God tried to rest, but he had to
Advice To Dogs
After your humans give you a bath, don't let them towel dry
Act like a convicted criminal. When the humans come home,
Hide from your humans. When your humans come home,
Wake up 20 minutes before the alarm clock is set to go
1. The dog is not allowed in the house.
2. OK, the dog is allowed in the house, but only in certain rooms.
3. The dog is allowed in all rooms, but has to stay off the furniture.
4. The dog can get on the old furniture only.
5. Fine, the
dog is allowed on all the furniture, but is not allowed
6. OK, the dog is allowed on the bed, but only by invitation.
7. The dog
can sleep on the bed whenever he wants, but not
8. The dog can sleep under the covers by invitation only.
9. The dog can sleep under the covers every night.
must ask permission to sleep under the covers
Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
experience of fresh air and the wind in
When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.
Let others know when they've invaded your territory.
Take naps and stretch before rising.
Run, romp and play daily.
Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.
Never pretend to be something you're not.
If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
is having a bad day, be silent, sit close
Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
On hot days, drink lots of water and lay under a shady tree.
happy, dance around and wag your entire
No matter how
often you're scolded, don't buy into the
Bond with your pack.
Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
How To Photograph A New Puppy
1. Remove film from box and load camera
2. Remove film box from puppy's mouth and throw in trash
puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds
4. Choose a suitable background for photo
5. Mount camera on tripod and focus
6. Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth
7. Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera
8. Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees
9. Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand
10. Get tissue and clean nose print from lens
11. Take flash cube from puppy's mouth and throw in trash
12. Put cat
outside and put peroxide on the scratch on
13. Put magazines back on coffee table
14. Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head.
15. Replace your glasses and check camera for damage
16. Jump up
in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say,
17. Call spouse to clean up mess
18. Fix a drink
19. Sit back
in Lazy Boy with drink and resolve to teach puppy
20. Consider buying "older, trained" dog
A Poem for the New Puppy Owner
Don't eat my socks,
Don't eat those
Eat your cookie,
AWAY FROM THE CAT
Yes, raising a
But don't despair,
So, let's go for
many dogs does it take to
OL' SOUTHERN HOUND DOG:
If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can get going without pep pills,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
you can understand when your loved ones are too busy
you can overlook it when those you love take it out on you
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can ignore a friend's limited education and never correct him,
If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
you can relax without liquor,
you can say honestly that deep in your heart you have
Then, my friend you are almost as good as your dog.
The Ten Commandments (pet version)
My life is likely to last ten to fifteen years.
2. Give me time to understand what you want of me.
3. Place your trust in me-it's crucial to my well-being.
Don't be angry at me for long and don't lock me up
Talk to me sometimes. Even if I don't understand your
6. Be aware that however you treat me, I'll never forget it.
Remember before you hit me that I have teeth that
you scold me for being uncooperative, obstinate
9. Take care of me when I get old; you, too, will grow old.
Go with me on difficult journeys. Never say, "I can't
I Am Famous Now
was born today.
One of 10. My daddy was very famous.
left home today. I
didn't want to go, so I hid behind my mama
new home is far
away. I am scared and afraid. My heart says
Today I had 10
puppies. They are so wonderful and warm. Am I famous
are crying now.
I am so hungry. I scratch and worry my fur. I wish
Today they took us
away. It was too much trouble to feed us and
place smelled of
urine, fear and sickness. Why was I here? I was
I AM FAMOUS NOW. Today someone cared.
there's a doggy heaven,
a doggy paradise;
be lots of bones to chew
can romp and play with new-found friends
Zoa Rockenstein 1975
|This poem is
based on a true story of an international group of
researchers in Antarctica. They took the dogs on a side expedition
and were overtaken by a fierce storm. The men got lost in the storm,
and set the lead dog free, hoping he would make it back to camp.
He did, and led rescuers back to the men. The men then went onto a
supply ship for a few hours of R&R, leaving the dogs at camp.
While on the ship, the water froze over, and the only thing they could
do is head for open water. Another storm came up, and they made an
attempt to go back to rescue the dogs. The storm was so fierce, the
helicopter (which took them to the ship) could not take off
They were unable to go back to the camp to rescue the dogs...
away where the cold winds blow,
They serve us well
with out complaint,
must leave them now, four hours at best,
weather came upon us with force,
their lives become frozen,
death is swift,
walls of ice tower high,
snow is like the desert sand,
can be the darkness of night,
stops to rest she can't go on,
ice is like a razor knife,
turn and look into each others eyes,
to roam never growing old,
year, two of the men committed suicide, because they could
called him "Rags." He was just a cur,
all that he got was bones and bread,
Rags got home with the regiment,
we mustered out, some to beer and gruel,
day they took us budding M.D.s
had one animal tacked and tied
stopped to look like the rest, of course,
was Rags, yes, Rags! who was martyred there,
I was no better in part nor whole
I've seen men go to courageous death
if there's no heaven for love like that,
By: Edmund Vance Cooke
He's a little
dog, with a stubby tail, and a moth-eaten coat of tan,
I call him
Bum, and in total sum, he's all that his name implies,
I talk to him
when I'm lonesome-like, and I'm sure that he understands
By: W. Dayton Wedgefarth
The Power Of The Dog
sorrow enough in the natural way
Buy a pup and
your money will buy
fourteen years which Nature permits
When the body
that lived at your single will,
enough in the natural way,
By: Rudyard Kipling
Epitaph To A Dog
Praise, which would be unmeaning flattery
proud son of man returns to earth,
Oh man! thou
feeble tenant of an hour,
Byron's tribute to "Boatswain" on a monument
from Jimmy Stewart's poem "Beau."
never came to me when I would call
there are nights when I think I feel him
not where I was
the air that
I'll watch for you
Smile at my memory
Lend Me a Pup
will lend to you
Maybe for twelve
or fourteen years,
He'll bring his
charms to gladden you
he will stay,
I've looked the
whole world over
Now will you give
him all your love
fancied that I
heard them say
We'll shelter him
But should you
call him back
If, by our love,
When our faithful
closed his eyes last night,
The thoughts that
scurried through my head,
Today, there was
no gentle nudge
But an Angel just
appeared to me,
© 1997, Mary
was standing on
looked at me
with kind dark eyes
His mind did lock
upon my heart
stood upon that
His tale did put
my heart at ease
among God’s creatures now
collar is a
There are no pens
or kennels here
nap the day on a
The trees are full
of liver treats
There even is a
ring set up
all winners in this place
waters laced with gold
night I sleep
in an angel’s arms
when your life
on earth is spent
side of Heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.
animals who had been ill and old are restored to health
They all run
and play together, but the day comes when one
Then you cross the Rainbow Bridge together...
A Dogs Soul
Every dog must
have a soul
Where he decides
the good and bad,
dog must have a
And when accused
He'll love, tho'he
Altho' his heart
may break in two
Announcing "THE MIRACLE OF BIRTH" Videotape
Intended for all those who want to breed little fluffy in order to let their children experience the "miracle" of birth, this real-time video tape set can either substitute for home breedingor guide you in making the most of your breeding decision.
! Experience the joys of seeing a live puppy pop effortlessly from its mother's body and see her consume the bloody afterbirth! (Most children will squeal with delight when seeing this for the first time - many will make a life-long commitment to celibacy then and there.)
! Enjoy watching the frantic efforts of a breeder trying to resuscitate a still-born puppy.
! See the hilarious actions of a bitch who searches for the puppy she thinks she just dropped but which was quickly tossed into the wastebasket because it was only a blackened, half-developed fetus.
! Reserve a full 36 hours to see the entire set of tapes in one sitting to really share the drama, boredom, and exhaustion of the breeder as she labors to help her struggling bitch in extended labor.
! Watch as a breeder tries to recruit several helpers to carry her dying bitch to the car for transport to the nearest animal hospital in a futile attempt at saving the beloved family pet (Seeing the children crying and asking what is happening is half the fun!)
! Follow the fun as a breeder and his wife alternate duties during a full week of 4-hour bottle feedings with a fading puppy while also trying to keep 13 others dry and healthy!
And, as an extra added attraction:
! Laugh with us at the madcap antics of a typical shelter worker as she accepts new animals while keeping a straight face as mom and dad assure little Kevin that the nice lady will take VERY DOOD care of 8-year floppy. Enjoy the thrills as she later shoves unwanted puppies and adult dogs into a gas chamber as she chokes back tears and goes home to try and explain to her children just what she does at work!
! And, for a limited time only, we will include free of charge the video tape of a recent arrest made by the local animal control officer who discovered that someone had falsely declared his male dogs neutered (to save on license fees) and then discovered he was planning to do the job himself at home!
The second half of the same bonus tape shows the chagrin of a backyard breeder who was tracked down from her telephone number which was all she ever gave out. This wonderful person would arrange to meet people at local shopping malls where she handed over her 4-5 week-old puppies for $120 each! We were all amazed to find that those 20 puppies she was selling each year all came from the same single bitch and dog.
Yes, if you, or a friend, are considering breeding Fluffy to show children the "miracle" of birth, be sure to get this video and show them the miracle of death at the same time!
We have high hopes for this video, following as it does on the tremendous success of our first effort: "Do it yourself home vasectomy, featuring George "squeaky" Baker," and its sequel, "Do it yourself home explosives mixing, by Bob "lefty" Anderson."
!Special to the first five purchasers, one frozen still-born puppy - just wait until you take it home and see how the kids' eyes light up as the pup thaws!!
Copyright 1996, John A. McCormick, President and CEO, Nocturnal Aviation Videos.Reproduction and distribution of this advertisement in its entirety strongly encouraged.
Phone, e-mail, or postal orders NOT accepted, this tape is sold ONLY in person because I REALLY want to meet you.
Winter Of Life
Lord, he is
old and weakened,
Do I Go Home Today?
brought me home cradled in their arms.
loved to feed me; they gave me special treats.
These are the
things I'll not forget - a cherished memory.
The kids and
I would grab a rag, for hours we would tug.
stopped, one by one; they said they hadn't time.
brought me to the shelter but were embarrassed to say why.
have one day left",
If It Should Be
it should be
that I grow weak,
You will be sad, I
We've had so many
happy years -
Take me where my
needs they'll tend.
know in time
that you will see
Please do not
grieve - it must be you
She must have
been kicked unseen or brushed by a car.
her shy malaise was a shot reaction.
morning, as the children were noisily fed
To bite my
hand and died. I stroked her warm fur
Back home, we
found that in the night her frame,
A Pets Prayer
me kindly, my beloved master, for no heart in all the world is
Do not break
my spirit with a stick, for though I should lick your
Speak to me
often, for your voice is the worlds sweetest music, as
When it is
cold and wet, please take me inside, for I am now a
Keep my pan
filled with fresh water, for although I should not
Feed me clean
food, that I may stay well, to romp and play and do
master, should the great Master see fit to deprive me of
by: Beth Norman Harris
Dear God, please
send me somebody who'll care!
last owner tied me all day in the yard
chased me with sticks and hit me with stones,
you find one for me God, I'll try to be good,
night as I sleep in the bushes I cry,
That is, dear God, if YOU'RE REALLY there!
*FAIR USE NOTICE* This
document may contain copyrighted material, use of which has not been
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*FAIR USE NOTICE*
document may contain copyrighted material, use of which has not been
specifically authorized by the copyright owners.
Graphics sole property of Creekvue