Dog Poems & Stories

Poems & Stories
Funny Stuff
Sad (or serious) Stuff

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WHERE DO PETS COME FROM?

It is reported that the following edition of the Book of Genesis
was discovered in the Dead Seal Scrolls. If authentic, it would
shed light on the question, "Where do pets come from?"

And Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked
with me everyday. Now I do not see you anymore. I am
lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much
you love me."

And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you
that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my
love for you, so that you will know I love you, even when you
cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish and childish and
unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you
are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam.
And it was a good animal. And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged
his tail. And Adam said, "But Lord, I have already named all the
animals in the Kingdom and all the good names are taken and I
cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new
animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a
reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved
him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog
was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to
the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He
struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of
adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but no one
has taught him humility."

And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion
who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The
companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he
is not always worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat
would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he
was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam
learned humility.

And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved.
And Cat did not care one way or the other.

LAMENT OF A LADY WHO'S GONE
TO THE DOGS

There was a time, there really was,
When I was sweet and tender;
When SHOW DOG meant a Disney Star,
and Bitch was not a gender.

I went to bed at half past ten;
I went to Church on Sunday;
On Saturday I baked the beans
And did the wash on Monday.

But then I got a certain pup,
And an erstwhile friend said, "SHOW",
And so I did and so I do,
OH! What I didn't know.

I used to dress with flair and style,
That was the life, don't knock it.
But now each dress from bed to ball
Must have a good bait pocket.

I used to have a certain air,
I wallowed in perfume,
I used to smell of Nuit D' Amour,
Now I smell like Mr. Groom.

My furniture was haut decor,
My pets a tank of guppies.
Now I've furniture unstuffed,
And well-adjusted puppies.

Once I spoke in pristine prose,
In dulcet tones and frail,
But now I'm using language,
That would turn a sailor pale.

I was taught to be well-groomed
No matter where I went.
Now all the grooming that I do
Is in the Handler's tent.

I used to long for furs and jewels
And a figure classed as super,
Now the thing I yearn for most
Is a nice new Pooper-Scooper.

I adored a man who murmured verse
Through intimate little dinners,
But now the words I thrill to hear,
Are just three - "Best of Winners"

I rise at dawn and pack the car
The road ahead's a long one.
The one I routed on the maps
Invaribly's the wrong one.

I really love this doggy life
I wouldn't care to change it.
But when I get that BEST IN SHOW.
I plan to rearrange it;

When my time on earth is done
I'll go without much nudging
Just give me three weeks closing date
and let me know who's judging.

Author Unknown

THE JUDGE

A judge's life
Is the life for me,
Picking the winners,
One, two, three.

Flying here and flying there,
I'll fly first class everywhere.
The best of food, the finest rooms,
Wealth and fame, overhead it looms.

I'll make new friends,
By the score
They'll all come running
When I'm on the floor.

The compliments will come,
One, two, three.
I'll be so popular.
Lucky Me!

May I get you a pop?
May I open the door?
Would you like my seat?
Would you like anything more?"

A judge's life,
Is it for me?
Withold the ribbons
On one, two and three.

The plane has a propeller.
The pilot is blind.
I don't see first class.
I'm losing my mind.

Thank goodness we landed!
Now, where is my room?
Over there in the closet,
Right next to the broom?

I'm very hungry.
I'm getting thinner.
Here comes supper.
Yuk! It's a TV dinner!

We're at the show.
Now for wealth and fame.
The show went broke.
Hey you, what's your name?

Get your own pop.
Get your own door.
You're the dummy.
Dumped my dog before!"

There's more to being a judge
Than at first I thought.
Perhaps I'll think it over,
Return the suit I bought.

I don't know how you do it.
I don't know how at all.
You must be damned crazy
To be a judge, at all!

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SHOW DAY

I'm a German Shepherd puppy,
Just starting my career.
I find it very funny,
The things I see and hear.

The rings are just gigantic,
As far as I can see.
I get to run my fastest,
At speeds over 103.

I often look behind me,
My handler is tiring fast.
Sometimes it looks doubtful,
If the poor soul will last.

It must be hard for handlers,
To run at such a pace.
I find it very funny,
To see their red face.

The judge has now said halt,
Darn good thing I think.
My handler is getting sweaty,
He's giving off a stink!

Oh no, here comes the awful part
What I go through to be a star.
Hey wait just a minute,
My legs don't stretch that far.

My handler grabs my mouth,
Yanks it open for all to see.
The judge is counting teeth,
Didn't nobody ask me!

Oh look, I see my Mom,
She's jumping up and down.
The judge looked at Mom,
With a very horrible frown.

Now we're running round again,
The judge has yelled slow.
My Mom called my name,
But now where did she go.

I run my little heart out,
Everytime I hear my name.
But every time I get there,
She's gone and moved again.

The judge has made his choices.
Hurray, he pointed to me.
Can I please have my rosette,
I have to go out and pee.

The show is now all over.
I really did my best.
My handler is going home, he said,
He really needs a rest.

The rosette is on the mantle.
My head's on Mom's lap
I know I made her happy to-day,
Now I'm going to take a nap.

New Product for all our furred friends!

Are you tired of using the 'backspace' key all the time
when you hit all those small human sized keys with your paws?
Do you find that stupid 'mouse' thing boring?

Well, guess what? Heidi and I have just received our first
and only shipment of Dog Byte Keyboards. We had these
manufactured to our exact specifications. Listen to what you get!

1. Each key is a full two inches wide with 1 inch space between letters.
Yes my pups, no more hitting two keys at once. Those days
are gone forever. Naturally, this baby takes up some real estate,
it's a full 4 X 8 feet!

2. Comes equipped with the Heidi & Max's exclusive 'drool tray'
conveniently located in the front.

3. Uses our 'live mouse'. Long tail version 3.6. And the great feature
is you can order replacements!

4. All cables and plugs are included! This bone colored beauty
is Windows 95 compatible. It is truly 'Plug and Bite'

OK... now stop panting... here's how to order!

Go fetch your master's wallet or pocket book. Look for any
pieces of paper that have pictures of funny looking humans
in the middle and two digit numbers printed in the corners that end
in zeros. Stuff as many as you can fit into an envelope and address it to

Heidi & Max's Laboratory for Advanced Stick Studies
Lund, Sweden

In the US send to-

Heidi & Max's Cookie Foundation
New Haven, Vermont

Remember... these won't last... so order NOW.... yes... GO FETCH!

Offer expires Dec 31, 1997. Puppies under 8 months old must have a
note from their mothers. Void where prohibited. California puppies
add appropriate sales tax. Sorry... we cannot send 'Live Mouse'
to Hawaii. Satisfaction guaranteed or twice your drool back!

Your cyberpup friends,

Heidi and Max

The Top 20 Reasons Dogs Don't Use Computers

20. Can't stick their heads out of Windows '95.

19. Fetch command not available on all platforms.

18. Hard to read the monitor with your head
cocked to one side.

17. Too difficult to "mark" every website they visit.

16. Can't help attacking the screen when they hear
"You've Got Mail."

15. Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.

14. Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're
browsing www.pethouse.com instead of working.

13. Keep bruising noses trying to catch that JPEG frisbee.

12. Not at all fooled by Dogmore Screen Saver.

11. Still trying to come up with an "emoticon" that
signifies tail-wagging.

10. Oh, but they WILL... with the introduction of the
Microsoft OpposableThumb.

9. Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome

8. 'Cause dogs ain't GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand...

7. Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice
recognition software.

6. SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.

5 SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK
are out of the question!

4. Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to manuever.

3. Annoyed by lack of newsgroup, alt.pictures.master's.leg.

2. Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than
online chat rooms.

and the Number 1 Reason Dogs Don't Use Computers...

1. TrO{gO DsA[M,bN HyAqR4tDc TgrOo TgYPmE
WeIjTyH P;AzWqS,. *

(source: David Letterman Show)

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The Creation story as told by Snoopy

On the first day, God created the dog.

On the second day, God created man to serve the dog.

On the third day, God created all the animals of the
earth to serve as potential food for the dog.

On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man
could labour for the good of the dog.

On the fifth day, God created the tennis ball so that the
dog might or might not retrieve it.

On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to
keep the dog happy and the man broke.

On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but he had to
walk the dog.

Advice To Dogs

1 After your humans give you a bath, don't let them towel dry you!
Instead, run to their bed, jump up and dry yourself on the sheets.
This is especially good if it's right before your humans' bedtime.

2 Act like a convicted criminal. When the humans come home,
put your ears back, tail between your legs, chin down and act
as if you have done something really bad. Then, watch as the
humans frantically search the house for the damage they think
you have caused.

3 Hide from your humans. When your humans come home,
don't greet them at the door. Instead, hide from them.
and make them think something terrible has happened to you.
(Don't reappear until one of your humans is panic-stricken
and close to tears).

4 Wake up 20 minutes before the alarm clock is set to go
off and make the humans take you out. As soon as you get
back inside, fall asleep. (Humans can rarely fall back asleep
after going outside; this will drive them nuts!)

DOG RULES

1. The dog is not allowed in the house.

2. OK, the dog is allowed in the house, but only in certain rooms.

3. The dog is allowed in all rooms, but has to stay off the furniture.

4. The dog can get on the old furniture only.

5. Fine, the dog is allowed on all the furniture, but is not allowed
to sleep with the humans on the bed.

6. OK, the dog is allowed on the bed, but only by invitation.

7. The dog can sleep on the bed whenever he wants, but not
under the covers.

8. The dog can sleep under the covers by invitation only.

9. The dog can sleep under the covers every night.

10.Humans must ask permission to sleep under the covers
with the dog.

THINGS TO LEARN
FROM A DOG

Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.

Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in
your face to be pure ecstasy.

When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.

When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.

Let others know when they've invaded your territory.

Take naps and stretch before rising.

Run, romp and play daily.

Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.

Be loyal.

Never pretend to be something you're not.

If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.

When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close
by and nuzzle them gently.

Thrive on attention and let people touch you.

Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.

On hot days, drink lots of water and lay under a shady tree.

When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire
body.

No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the
guilt thing and pout... run right back and make friends.

Bond with your pack.

Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

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How To Photograph A New Puppy

1. Remove film from box and load camera

2. Remove film box from puppy's mouth and throw in trash

3. Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds
from muzzle

4. Choose a suitable background for photo

5. Mount camera on tripod and focus

6. Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth

7. Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera

8. Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees

9. Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand

10. Get tissue and clean nose print from lens

11. Take flash cube from puppy's mouth and throw in trash

12. Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on
puppy's nose

13. Put magazines back on coffee table

14. Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head.

15. Replace your glasses and check camera for damage

16. Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say,
"No, outside! No, outside!"

17. Call spouse to clean up mess

18. Fix a drink

19. Sit back in Lazy Boy with drink and resolve to teach puppy
"sit/stand" and "stay" the first thing in the morning

20. Consider buying "older, trained" dog

A Poem for the New Puppy Owner

Don't smell crotches,
Don't eat plants.
Don't steal food
Or underpants.

Don't eat my socks,
Don't grab my hair. . .
DON'T RIP THE STUFFING
FROM THAT CHAIR!

Don't eat those peas!
Don't touch that bush!
Don't chew my shoes. . .
What IS that mush?

Eat your cookie,
Drink your drink,
Outta the toilet!
Outta the sink!

AWAY FROM THE CAT BOX,
IT'S FOR THE CAT!
(And MUST you kiss me?
After that???)

Yes, raising a puppy,
Is not for the lazy!
Though puppies are funny,
They're also quite crazy.

But don't despair,
Though its toil and strife.
After 3 years,
You'll get back your life!

So, let's go for "walkies",
You can "do your thing"
(And perhaps I'll get back
My GOOD DIAMOND RING!)

How many dogs does it take to
screw in a lightbulb?

SHIBA-INU:
Zero! Shiba's aren't afraid of the dark!

SCHIPPERKE:
It's your lightbulb-change it yourself. Unless...is there food involved?

POODLE:
Sorry, Just had my nails done

BEAGLE:
How many cookies do I get?

WEIMANARANER:
Light bulb? You want ME to change a LIGHTBULB??

LAB:
Why change it? The darker it is, the longer I can sleep.

BASENJI:
LIGHTBULB?? We don't change no steenking lightbulbs!!

MALAMUTE:
Let him do it, you can pet me while he's busy.

BOXER:
If I could stop wiggling my butt long enough to quit falling off the
chair..........

AMERICAN BULLDOG:
One. JUMP,remove bulb , land. JUMP, replace bulb, land .
Two: What lightbulb? So? We can play in the dark.

GOLDEN RETRIEVER:
"I'll be glad to change the light bulb for you, but first
can't we play catch with the tennis ball, or frisbee - and
then I want to lick your face and rest my head in your lap
and look up at you with my sad eyes. What, you're changing
the light bulb yourself - you didn't have to do that - but I
looooove you so much for being my friend and doing that."

DALMATIAN:
Just one, but it will really hate the new bulb.

ROTTWEILER:
I'll change the light bulb if I can eat the old one.

CORGI:
I cant reach the stupid lamp!

SPRINGER:
Lightbulb? Lightbulb? That thing I just ate was a lightbulb?

DOBERMAN:
Immediately decides to change the brand of lightbulb and
find a more efficient form of lighting--perhaps a fluorescent bulb.

STANDARD POODLE:
None. Go get human, sit under it, look up and point it out--
then go lie down in disgust that it took so long.

BORDER COLLIE:
Just one. And he'll rewire the house while he's at it.

GOOD OL' SOUTHERN HOUND DOG:
HUH????

IRISH SETTER:
It only takes one Irish Setter, but it will put in a really dim bulb.

MINI DACHSHUND:
Well first get me a ladder and a treat...no you took too long I
want two treats and I'll do it... no Not that treat the other kind geez...
do I have to do everything? of course followed by the "look".

GERMAN SHEPHERD:
I'm kinda busy right now I have to chase the cat, protect the kids,
herd the horses, beg for food and take a nap.
I'll add the light bulb to my To Do list...

AUSTRALIAN SHEPHERD:
One, but just *try* to convince them that the
burned-out bulb is useless and should be thrown away.

JACK RUSSELL TERRIER:
Two, but the job never gets done--they just keep arguing
about who is supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be done!

BULLDOG:
Just one. But it takes them three years to do it.

POMERANIANS:
Don't change light bulbs, although sometimes their agent will
get a German Shepherd in to do the job for them while they're out.

PUG:
Er, two. Or maybe one. No-- on second thought, make that two.
Is that OK with you?

GOLDEN RETRIEVER:
The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of
us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?

AFGHAN:
Lightbulb? What lightbulb?

CAT:
I don't waste my time with these childish jokes.

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If you can start the day without caffeine,

If you can get going without pep pills,

If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy
to give you any time,

If you can overlook it when those you love take it out on you
when no fault of yours, something goes wrong,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

If you can ignore a friend's limited education and never correct him,

If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend,

If you can face the world without lies and deceit,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

It you can say honestly that deep in your heart you have
no prejudice against creed, color, religion or politics,

Then, my friend you are almost as good as your dog.

Author Unknown

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The Ten Commandments (pet version)

1. My life is likely to last ten to fifteen years.
Any separation from you will he painful for me.
Remember that before you buy me.

2. Give me time to understand what you want of me.

3. Place your trust in me-it's crucial to my well-being.

4. Don't be angry at me for long and don't lock me up
as punishment. You have your work, your entertainment
and your friends. I have only you.

5. Talk to me sometimes. Even if I don't understand your
words, I understand your voice when its speaking to me.

6. Be aware that however you treat me, I'll never forget it.

7. Remember before you hit me that I have teeth that
could easily crush the bones of your hand but that I
choose not to bite you.

8. Before you scold me for being uncooperative, obstinate
or lazy, ask your self if something might be bothering me.
Perhaps I'm not getting the right food, or I've been out in
the sun too long, or my heart is getting old and weak.

9. Take care of me when I get old; you, too, will grow old.

10. Go with me on difficult journeys. Never say, "I can't
bear to watch it, or, "Let it happen in my absence."
Everything is easier for me if you are there.
Remember, I love you.

I Am Famous Now

I was born today. One of 10. My daddy was very famous.
I have lots of half brothers and sisters. My mother is very famous.
Since she got famous, she has only had puppies. No more loving
hands, no more fun trips... just puppies. She is always sad when
they leave her.

I left home today. I didn't want to go, so I hid behind my mama
and my three littermates that were left. I didn't like you. But one
day they said I would be famous. I wonder; is famous the same
as fun and good times?. So you picked me up and carried me away,
even though you were concerned about me hiding from you.
I don't think you liked me.

My new home is far away. I am scared and afraid. My heart says
BE BRAVE. My ancestors were. Did they go to good homes like mine?
I'm hungry because I can't eat too much because it will be bad for my
bones. I can't bite or snap when the children are mean to me. I just run
and play and pretend I am in a big green field with butterflies and robins
and frogs. I can't understand why they kick me. I am quiet, but the man
hits and says loud things. The lady doesn't feed me good like I had with
my mother. She just throws dry food on the ground, then goes away
before I can get too close for touching and petting. Sometimes my food
smells bad but I eat it anyway.

Today I had 10 puppies. They are so wonderful and warm. Am I famous
now? I wish I could play with them, but they are so tiny. I am so young
and playful that it is hard to lay here in this hole under the house nursing
my puppies..

They are crying now. I am so hungry. I scratch and worry my fur. I wish
someone would throw me some food. I am also very thirsty. I now have
eight. Two got cold during the night and I couldn't make them warm again.
They are gone. We are all very weak. Maybe if I take them out on the
porch, we can get some food.

Today they took us away. It was too much trouble to feed us and
someone came to take us away. Someone grabbed my puppies, they were
crying and whimpering. We were put in a truck with boxes in it. Are my
babies famous now? I hope so, because I miss them They are gone.

The place smelled of urine, fear and sickness. Why was I here? I was
beautiful, like my ancestors. Now I am hungry, dirty, in pain and unwanted.
Maybe the worst is unwanted. No one came though I tried to be good.
Today someone came. They put a rope on my neck and led me to a room
that was very clean and had a shiny table. They put me on the table.
Someone held me and hugged me. It felt so good!!! Then I felt tired
and laid over the last one who cared.

I AM FAMOUS NOW. Today someone cared.

Author unknown

TO SUNDAE

If there's a doggy heaven,
I know that's where you are--
About a billion miles away,
Standing on a star.

It's a doggy paradise;
No fences and no leads.
There won't be any do's or don'ts.
You can do just as you please.

There'll be lots of bones to chew
And lots of holes to dig.
There'll be lots of other dogs--
Little ones and big!

You can romp and play with new-found friends
Forever, don't you see?
So, why are you sitting at the gate
Just waiting there for me?

Zoa Rockenstein 1975

This poem is based on a true story of an international group of
researchers in Antarctica. They took the dogs on a side expedition
and were overtaken by a fierce storm. The men got lost in the storm,
and set the lead dog free, hoping he would make it back to camp.
He did, and led rescuers back to the men. The men then went onto a
supply ship for a few hours of R&R, leaving the dogs at camp.
While on the ship, the water froze over, and the only thing they could
do is head for open water. Another storm came up, and they made an
attempt to go back to rescue the dogs. The storm was so fierce, the
helicopter (which took them to the ship) could not take off
They were unable to go back to the camp to rescue the dogs...
FROZEN TEAR

Far away where the cold winds blow,
Beyond the walls of fear.
Is a tale I tell which you should know,
The tale of a frozen tear.

They serve us well with out complaint,
Together they are twelve strong.
They pull all day till the light is faint,
And into the night as the day is long.

We must leave them now, four hours at best,
A journey that we must make.
This time well spent for they will rest,
On the shore of a frozen lake.

The weather came upon us with force,
Our return it would not be.
The only way out is to set a new course,
A course for open sea.

As their lives become frozen,
And they meet their fate.
Four are lost,
And now there are eight.

His death is swift,
And he is now bound for heaven.
We pray for their forgiveness,
And now there is seven.

The walls of ice tower high,
Then fall and tumble like bricks.
Her destiny's set her fate is to die,
And now there is only six.

The snow is like the desert sand,
With out water you can't survive.
He thirsts no more in this barren land,
And now there is only five.

Cruel can be the darkness of night,
And his pain it is no more.
He has fallen in the absence of light,
And now there's only four.

She stops to rest she can't go on,
Finely her spirit is free.
Her body remains but she is gone,
And now there's only three.

The ice is like a razor knife,
To continue he can not do.
And so he slowly leaves this life,
And now there's only two.

They turn and look into each others eyes,
She stumbles to the ground.
Too weak to go on and so she dies,
Her silence the only sound.

Forever to roam never growing old,
If your still he may come near.
Then you will see the story I told,
When you look into his frozen tear.

By: Darryle Toney 1989
DarkRose Manor

Within one year, two of the men committed suicide, because they could
not live with the knowledge of what they did to the dogs. A little
later, another expedition went to the same area, and they were able to
find all but one of the dog's bodies, frozen. as the men prepared to
leave camp, they found that last dog, the lead dog, still alive.

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Rags

We called him "Rags." He was just a cur,
But twice, on the western Line,
That little old bunch of faithful fur
Had offered his life for mine.

And all that he got was bones and bread,
Or the leavings of soldier grub,
But he'd give his heart for a pat on the head,
Or a friendly tickle and rub.

And Rags got home with the regiment,
And then, in the breaking away-
Well, whether they stole him, or whether he went,
I am not prepared to say.

But we mustered out, some to beer and gruel,
And some to sherry and shad,
And I went back to the Sawbones School,
Where I still was an undergrad.

One day they took us budding M.D.s
To one of those institutes
Where they demonstrate every new disease
By means of bisected brutes.

They had one animal tacked and tied
And slit like a full-dressed fish,
With his vitals pumping away inside
As pleasant as one might wish.

I stopped to look like the rest, of course,
And the beast's eyes leveled mine,
His short tail thumped with a feeble force,
And he uttered a tender whine.

It was Rags, yes, Rags! who was martyred there,
Who was quartered and crucified,
And he whined that whine which is a doggish prayer
And he licked my hand-and died.

And I was no better in part nor whole
Than the gang I was found among,
And his innocent blood was on the soul
Which he blessed with his dying tongue.

Well! I've seen men go to courageous death
In the air, on sea, on land!
But only a dog would spend his breath
In a kiss for his murderer's hand.

And if there's no heaven for love like that,
For such four-legged fealty-well!
If I have any choice, I tell you flat,
I'll take my chance in hell.

By: Edmund Vance Cooke

Bum

He's a little dog, with a stubby tail, and a moth-eaten coat of tan,
And his legs are short, of the wabbly sort; I doubt if they ever ran;
And howls at night, while in broad daylight he sleeps like a bloomin' log,
And he likes the food of the gutter breed; he's a most irregular dog.

I call him Bum, and in total sum, he's all that his name implies,
For he's just a tramp with a highway stamp that culture cannot disguise;
And his friends, I've found, in the streets abound, be they urchins or dogs or men;
Yet he sticks to me with a fiendish glee. It is truly beyond my ken.

I talk to him when I'm lonesome-like, and I'm sure that he understands
When he looks at me so attentively and gently licks my hands;
Then he rubs his nose on my tailored clothes, but I never say nought thereat,
For the good Lord knows I can buy more clothes, but never a friend like that!

By: W. Dayton Wedgefarth

The Power Of The Dog

There is sorrow enough in the natural way
From men and women to fill our day;
And when we are certain of sorrow in store,
Why do we always arrange for more?
Brothers and Sisters, I bid you beware
Of giving your heart to a dog to tear.

Buy a pup and your money will buy
Love unflinching that cannot lie-
Perfect passion and worship fed
By a kick in the ribs or a pat on the head.
Nevertheless it is hardly fair
To risk your heart for a dog to tear.

When the fourteen years which Nature permits
Are closing in asthma, or tumour, or fits,
And the vet's unspoken prescription runs
To lethal chambers or loaded guns,
Then you will find-it's your own affair-
But.....you've given your heart to a dog to tear.

When the body that lived at your single will,
With its whimper of welcome, is stilled (how still!);
When the spirit that answered your every mood
Is gone-wherever it goes-for good,
You will discover how much you care,
And will give your heart to a dog to tear.

We've sorrow enough in the natural way,
When it comes to burying Christian clay.
Our loves are not given, but only lent,
At compound interest of cent per cent.
Though it is not always the case, I believe,
That the longer we've kept 'em the more do we grieve;
For, when debts are payable, right or wrong,
A short-time loan is as bad as a long-
So why in-Heaven (before we are there)
Should we give our hearts to a dog to tear?

By: Rudyard Kipling

Epitaph To A Dog

Near this spot
Are deposited the Remains
of one
Who possessed Beauty
Without Vanity,
Strength without Insolence,
Courage without Ferocity,
And all the Virtues of Man
Without his Vices.

This Praise, which would be unmeaning flattery
If inscribed over Human Ashes,
Is but a just tribute to the Memory of
"Boatswain," a Dog
Who was born at Newfoundland,
May, 1803,
And died at Newstead Abbey
Nov. 18, 1808

When some proud son of man returns to earth,
Unknown to glory, but upheld by birth,
The sculptor's art exhausts the pomp of woe,
And storied urns record who rests below.
When all is done, upon the tomb is seen,
Not what he was, but what he should have been.
But the poor dog, in life the firmest friend,
The first to welcome, foremost to defend,
Whose honest heart is still his master's own,
Who labors, fights, lives, breathes for him alone,
Unhonored falls, unnoticed all his worth,
Denied in heaven the soul he held on earth-
While man, vain insect! hopes to be forgiven,
And claims himself a sole exclusive heaven.

Oh man! thou feeble tenant of an hour,
Debased by slavery, or corrupt by power-
Who knows thee well must quit thee with disgust,
Degraded mass of animated dust!
Thy love is lust, thy friendship all a cheat,
Thy smiles hypocrisy, thy words deceit!
By nature vile,ennobled but by name,
Each kindred brute might bid thee blush for shame.
Ye, who perchance behold this simple urn,
Pass on-it honors none you wish to mourn.
To mark a friend's remains these stones arise;
I never knew but one-and here he lies.

Lord Byron's tribute to "Boatswain" on a monument
in the garden of Newstead Abbey.

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Excerpts from Jimmy Stewart's poem "Beau."
He recited from the poem during a 1981 appearance on
"The Tonight Show" with Johnny Carson.

He never came to me when I would call
Unless I had a tennis ball,
Or he felt like it.
But mostly he didn't come at all.
He would charge up the street with Mom hanging on.
What a beautiful pair they were!
And if it was still light and the tourists were out,
They created a bit of a stir.
And now he's dead.

And there are nights when I think I feel him
Climb upon our bed and lie between us,
And I pat his head.
And there are nights when I think
I feel that stare
And I reach out my hand to stroke his hair.
But he's not there.
Oh, how I wish that wasn't so.
I'll always love a dog named Beau.

THE EULOGY

Look not where I was
For I am not there
My spirit is free
I am everywhere

In the air that you breathe
In the sounds that you here
Don't cry for me Mom
My spirit is near

I'll watch for you
From the other side
I'll be the one running
New friends by my side

Smile at my memory
Remember in your heart
This isn't the end
It's a brand new start

Lend Me a Pup

I will lend to you for awhile,
a pup, God said,
For you to love him while he lives
and mourn for him when he's dead.

Maybe for twelve or fourteen years,
or maybe two or three
But will you, 'till I call him back,
take care of him for me.

He'll bring his charms to gladden you
and (should his stay be brief)
you'll always have his memories
as solace for your grief.

I cannot promise he will stay,
since all from earth return
But there are lessons taught below
I want this pup to learn.

I've looked the whole world over
in search of teachers true
And from the folk that crowd's life's land
I have chosen you.

Now will you give him all your love
Nor think the labour vain,
Nor hate me when I come
to take my Pup back again.

I fancied that I heard them say
"Dear Lord Thy Will be Done,"
For all the joys this Pup will bring,
the risk of grief we'll run.

We'll shelter him with tenderness
we'll love him while we may
And for the happiness we've known
forever grateful stay

But should you call him back
much sooner than we've planned,
We'll brave the bitter grief that comes,
and try to understand.

If, by our love, we've managed,
your wishes to achieve
In memory of him we loved,
to help us while we grieve,

When our faithful bundle
departs this world of strife,
We'll have yet another Pup
and love him all his life.

-author unknown

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Heaven's Doggy-Door

My best friend closed his eyes last night,
As his head was in my hand.
The Doctors said he was in pain,
And it was hard for him to stand.

The thoughts that scurried through my head,
As I cradled him in my arms.
Were of his younger, puppy years,
And OH...his many charms.

Today, there was no gentle nudge
With an intense "I love you gaze",
Only a heart thats filled with tears
Remembering our joy filled days.

But an Angel just appeared to me,
And he said, "You should cry no more,
God also loves our canine friends,
He's installed a 'doggy-door"!

The Spirit of
A German Shepherd Dog

I was standing on a hillside
In a field of blowing wheat
And the spirit of a German Shepherd Dog
Was lying at my feet.

He looked at me with kind dark eyes
An ancient wisdom shining through
And in the essence of his being
I saw love there too.

His mind did lock upon my heart
As I stood there on that day
And he told me of this story
About a place so far away.

I stood upon that hillside
In a field of blowing wheat
And in a twinkling of a second
His spirit left my feet.

His tale did put my heart at ease
My fears did fade away
About what lay ahead of me
On another distant day.

“I live among God’s creatures now
In the heavens of your mind
So do not grieve for me, my friend
As I am with my kind.

My collar is a rainbow’s hue
My leash a shooting star
My boundaries are the Milky Way
Where I sparkle from afar.

There are no pens or kennels here
For I am not confined
But free to roam God’s heavens
Among my Shepherd kind.

I nap the day on a snowy cloud
Gentle breezes rocking me
And dream the dreams of earthlings
And how it used to be.

The trees are full of liver treats
And tennis balls abound
And Milkbones line the walkways
Just waiting to be found.

There even is a ring set up
The grass all lush and green
And everyone who gaits around
Becomes the Best of Breed.

For we’re all winners in this place
We have no faults, you see
And God passes out those ribbons
To each one, even me.

I drink from waters laced with gold
My world a beauty to behold
And wise old dogs do form my pride
To amble at my very side.

At night I sleep in an angel’s arms
Her wings protecting me
And moonbeams dance about us
As stardust falls on thee.

So when your life on earth is spent
And you stand at Heaven’s gate
Have no fear of loneliness
For here, you know I wait.

Rainbow Bridge

Just this side of Heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.
When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone
here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge. There are meadows
and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play
together. There is plenty of food, water and sunshine and our
friends are warm and comfortable.

All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health
and vigor; those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and
strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days
and times gone by. The animals are happy and content, except for
one small thing: they each miss someone very special, someone
who was left behind.

They all run and play together, but the day comes when one
suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are
intent; his eager body begins to quiver. Suddenly, he breaks from
the group, flying over the green grass, faster and faster. You have
been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet,
you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The
happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the
beloved head, and you look once more into those trusting eyes, so
long gone from your life, but never absent from your heart.

Then you cross the Rainbow Bridge together...

Author Unknown

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A Dogs Soul

Every dog must have a soul
Somewhere deep inside
Where all his hurts and grievances
Are buried with his pride.

Where he decides the good and bad,
The wrong way from the right,
And where his judgement carefully
Is hidden from our sight.

A dog must have a secret place
Where every thought abides,
A sort of close acquaintance that
He trusts in and confides.

And when accused unjustly for
Himself, He cannot speak,
Rebuked, He finds within his soul
The comfort he must seek.

He'll love, tho'he is unloved,
And he'll serve tho'badly used,
And one kind word will wipe away
The times when he's abused.

Altho' his heart may break in two
His love will still be whole,
Because God gave to every dog
An understanding Soul!

Author Unknown

Announcing "THE MIRACLE OF BIRTH" Videotape

Intended for all those who want to breed little fluffy in order to let their children experience the "miracle" of birth, this real-time video tape set can either substitute for home breedingor guide you in making the most of your breeding decision.

! Experience the joys of seeing a live puppy pop effortlessly from its mother's body and see her consume the bloody afterbirth! (Most children will squeal with delight when seeing this for the first time - many will make a life-long commitment to celibacy then and there.)

! Enjoy watching the frantic efforts of a breeder trying to resuscitate a still-born puppy.

! See the hilarious actions of a bitch who searches for the puppy she thinks she just dropped but which was quickly tossed into the wastebasket because it was only a blackened, half-developed fetus.

! Reserve a full 36 hours to see the entire set of tapes in one sitting to really share the drama, boredom, and exhaustion of the breeder as she labors to help her struggling bitch in extended labor.

! Watch as a breeder tries to recruit several helpers to carry her dying bitch to the car for transport to the nearest animal hospital in a futile attempt at saving the beloved family pet (Seeing the children crying and asking what is happening is half the fun!)

! Follow the fun as a breeder and his wife alternate duties during a full week of 4-hour bottle feedings with a fading puppy while also trying to keep 13 others dry and healthy!

And, as an extra added attraction:

! Laugh with us at the madcap antics of a typical shelter worker as she accepts new animals while keeping a straight face as mom and dad assure little Kevin that the nice lady will take VERY DOOD care of 8-year floppy. Enjoy the thrills as she later shoves unwanted puppies and adult dogs into a gas chamber as she chokes back tears and goes home to try and explain to her children just what she does at work!

! And, for a limited time only, we will include free of charge the video tape of a recent arrest made by the local animal control officer who discovered that someone had falsely declared his male dogs neutered (to save on license fees) and then discovered he was planning to do the job himself at home!

The second half of the same bonus tape shows the chagrin of a backyard breeder who was tracked down from her telephone number which was all she ever gave out. This wonderful person would arrange to meet people at local shopping malls where she handed over her 4-5 week-old puppies for $120 each! We were all amazed to find that those 20 puppies she was selling each year all came from the same single bitch and dog.

Yes, if you, or a friend, are considering breeding Fluffy to show children the "miracle" of birth, be sure to get this video and show them the miracle of death at the same time!

We have high hopes for this video, following as it does on the tremendous success of our first effort: "Do it yourself home vasectomy, featuring George "squeaky" Baker," and its sequel, "Do it yourself home explosives mixing, by Bob "lefty" Anderson."

!Special to the first five purchasers, one frozen still-born puppy - just wait until you take it home and see how the kids' eyes light up as the pup thaws!!

Phone, e-mail, or postal orders NOT accepted, this tape is sold ONLY in person because I REALLY want to meet you.

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Winter Of Life

Lord, he is old and weakened,
He walks where he used to run,
In his youth he was always a happy dog,
Now he sleeps his days away in the sun.
Please make his trail mostly level
As he travels these last few miles,
Provide shade away from the heat of day
Where he can stop and rest for awhile.
If it rains let the drops be gentle,
If it blows let the breeze be warm,
Let the winter of life be kind,
Provide shelter and keep him from harm.
Please Lord, if he must suffer,
Give the pain and hurting to me,
He has been thru lifes raging waters,
As only a mans dog can be.
He doesnt deserve to be hurting,
He has lived a hard and long time,
I hope as he leaves he'll be knowing
Your love, as he has always known mine.
I raised him, Lord, from a puppy
We have followed some rough rocky trails,
Please Lord, Make this last trail gentle,
As he come to where love never fails.

Author Unknown

Do I Go Home Today?

My family brought me home cradled in their arms.
They cuddled me and smiled at me and said I was full of charm.
They played with me and laughed with me and showered me with toys.
I sure do love my family, especially the little girls and boys.

The children loved to feed me; they gave me special treats.
They even let me sleep with them - all snuggled in the sheets.
I used to go for walks, often several times a day.
They even fought to hold the leash, I'm very proud to say.

These are the things I'll not forget - a cherished memory.
I now live in the shelter - without my family.
They used to laugh and praise me when I played with that old shoe.
But I didn't know the difference between the old one and the new.

The kids and I would grab a rag, for hours we would tug.
So I thought I did the right thing when I chewed the bedroom rug.
They said that I was out of control and would have to live outside.
This I didn't understand, although I tried and tried.

The walks stopped, one by one; they said they hadn't time.
I wish that I could change things; I wish I knew my crime.
My life became so lonely in the backyard, on a chain.
I barked and barked all day long to keep from going insane.

So they brought me to the shelter but were embarrassed to say why.
They said I caused an allergy, and then they each kissed me goodbye.
If I'd only had some training as a little pup.
I wouldn't have been so hard to handle when I was all grown up.

"You only have one day left",
I heard the worker say.
Does that mean I have a second chance?
Do I go home today?

If It Should Be

If it should be that I grow weak,
And pain should keep me from my sleep,
Then you must do what must be done,
For this last battle cannot be won.

You will be sad, I understand;
Don't let your grief then stay your hand.
For this day more than all the rest,
Your love for me must stand the test.

We've had so many happy years -
What is to come can hold no fears
You'd not want me to suffer so;
The time has come, so let me go.

Take me where my needs they'll tend.
And please stay with me until the end.
Hold me firm and speak to me
Until my eyes no longer see.

I know in time that you will see
The kindness that you did for me.
Athough my tail its last has waved,
From pain and suffering I've been saved.

Please do not grieve - it must be you
Who had this painful thing to do.
We've been so close, we two, these years -
Don't let your heart hold back its tears.

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DOG'S DEATH
by John Updike

She must have been kicked unseen or brushed by a car.
Too young to know much, she was beginning to learn
To use the newspapers spread on the kitchen floor
And to win, wetting there, the words, "Good dog! Good dog!"

We thought her shy malaise was a shot reaction.
The autopsy disclosed a rupture in her liver.
As we teased her with play, blood was filling her skin
And her heart was learning to lie down forever.

Monday morning, as the children were noisily fed
And sent to school, she crawled beneath the youngest's bed.
We found her twisted and limp but still alive.
In the car to the vet's, on my lap, she tried

To bite my hand and died. I stroked her warm fur
And my wife called in a voice imperious with tears.
Though surrounded by love that would have upheld her,
Nevertheless she sand and, stiffening, disappeared.

Back home, we found that in the night her frame,
Drawing near to dissolution, had endured the shame
Of diarrhea and had dragged across the floor
To a newspaper carelessly left there. Good dog.

A Pets Prayer

Treat me kindly, my beloved master, for no heart in all the world is
more grateful for kindness than the loving heart of me.

Do not break my spirit with a stick, for though I should lick your
hand between the blows, your patience and understanding
will more quickly teach me the things you would have me do.

Speak to me often, for your voice is the worlds sweetest music, as
you must know by the fierce wagging of my tail when your footstep
falls upon my waiting ear.

When it is cold and wet, please take me inside, for I am now a
domesticated animal, no longer used to the elements. And I ask no
greater glory than the privilege of sitting at your feet beside the
hearth. Though, had you no home, I would rather follow you through
ice and snow than rest upon the softest pillow in the warmest home
in all the land, for you are my god and I am your devoted worshipper.

Keep my pan filled with fresh water, for although I should not
reproach you were it dry, I cannot tell you when I suffer thirst.

Feed me clean food, that I may stay well, to romp and play and do
your bidding, to walk by your side, and stand ready, willing and able
to protect you with my life should your life be in danger.

And, beloved master, should the great Master see fit to deprive me of
my health or my sight, do not turn me away from you. Rather, hold me
gently in your arms as skilled hands grant me the merciful boon of
eternal rest --- and I will leave you knowing with the last breath I
drew, my fate was ever safest in your hands.

by: Beth Norman Harris

Stray's Prayer

Dear God, please send me somebody who'll care!
I'm tired of running, I'm sick with despair.
My body is aching, it's so racked with pain,
and dear God I pray, as I run in the rain.
That someone will love me and give me a home,
a warm cozy bed and a big juicy bone.

My last owner tied me all day in the yard
Sometimes with no water, and god that was hard.
So I chewed my leash, and God I ran away.
To rummage in garbage and live as a stray.
But now God, I'm tired and hungry and cold,
and I'm so afraid that I'll never grow old.

They've chased me with sticks and hit me with stones,
while I run the streets just looking for bones!
I'm not really bad, God, please help if you can,
or I have become just a "Victim of Man!"
I'm wormy dear God and I'm ridden with fleas,
and all that I want is an Owner to please!

If you find one for me God, I'll try to be good,
and I won't chew their shoes, and I'll do as I should.
I'll love them, protect them and try to obey....
when they tell me to sit, to lie down or to stay!
I don't think I'll make it too long on my own,
cause I'm getting so weak and I'm so all alone.

Each night as I sleep in the bushes I cry,
cause I'm so afraid God, that I'm gonna die.
And I've got so much love and devotion to give,
that I should be given a new chance to Live!
So dear God, please answer my prayer,
and send me someone who will REALLY care..

That is, dear God, if YOU'RE REALLY there!

author unknown

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